Walking in Rain
by Samantha Raheem

Current mood: artistic

Tonight I took myself out on a date. I've been busting my ass sideways and I haven't set aside any time for myself lately--me, the loner. And you ask: would I have taken myself out even if i wasn't busting my ass? Of course!

I walked in the rain without an umbrella. I know on average dates, that's a very romantic thing to do but there was nothing romantic about it this time. I have bad luck with umbrellas. Every time I buy one, it flies up like a skirt the minute the wind blows and I end up leaving it somewhere on purpose because i'm so disgruntled by my own cheap ways. What do you expect from a $5 umbrella?

Anyways, I took myself out to this Japanese BBQ resteraunt in the City, a place that I love dearly right down to the green tea powder sprinkled over the green tea pudding that I order for desert. It's a place where they give you the food raw and marinated and you grill the food yourself on a grill that is built into each table. The food is superb and its hands down one of my favorite places to eat.

Halloween is coming up. At Roger's book release party, my friend Jessica was trying to convince me to dress up and walk places with her. She kept saying come on it will be fun. I gave her a non-commital head shake. But I know I will never do that. I will never dress up like an asshole and walk places. Just like when I go to Six Flags Great Adventures on Saturday I will never go on that on that ride that flips you upside down like a mechanical bully holding you by the feet just to shake all of your metal money to the ground.

There's just certain things I don't do. Dress up for Halloween, go on upside down rides, eat mushrooms, dance to techno.

Halloween is not my favorite day in the universe. It's the day my grandmother died, back in 1989--a very monumental day for me that I will never forget. It also happened to be my first day in our new townhouse in Florida, a house we later got evicted from. We got the phone call about her passing and death reached first base with me, his hand on my flat chest. I couldn't take the heaviness in the air of that empty house. I tugged on a toucan costume that I had from the year before that was now a size too small, slipped a pillowcase off my pillow and headed out the door to go trick or treating. I went from door to door with tears in my eyes. Toucan Sam.

And as a child, I always found the irony of granny dying on Halloween infinitely cruel. Now it really makes no difference. When I think of my grandmother's death, I think of it as a wierd day attached with this memory of me walking around this strange neighborhood with a too-small costume and a pillowcase full of sweets. All of the kids looked alien to me. Not because of the fake blood dripping from their mouths, or because of their crazy costumes, but because I'd never seen any of those people in my life. I remember kids looking at me wondering who I was, by myself, a new girl, trick or treating in their neighborhood, the quiet brown girl with the wet eyes.

Two days in a row I sat very close to a schizoprenic on the train. It's amazing how they're able to carry on lucid conversations with imaginary people. Meaningful conversations. About life and love and money problems. All of this the imagination holds. To hold an entire person in your head, maybe more than one. Reminds me of a Beautiful Mind. People stay away from that kind of imagination, they stand on the other end of the car. Turn their I-Pods up a notch. That's insanity. How can you not listen? It's utterly and completely fascinating. I find myself imagining what that person is saying on the other side.

On Monday, I feature at Bar 13. It will be my third time featuring since 2001. I haven't featured in months and I feel that perhaps I've forgotten how. Between Roger, Lynne and Marty, they've been consistent in their efforts to get me back up on that stage and I've been saying no, i'm not writing, i'm not ready. Not ready to do what, Samantha? Read some poems? I'm silly. Lynne finally got me at the right time and I said yes. I'm happy. I love reading for the LouderARTS stage not only because of their willingness, but because of their ability to listen to a relatively diverse set of material.

Over the past few days I've been creating a new chapbook. It is called Sixteen, Been Kissed. I haven't come out with a chapbook in two years and I have quite a bit of newer work accumulated. As always, the chapbook creation process was an exciting one. I designed it on publisher, utilizing the photos of my talented friends Kristine Gottilla (cover photo) and Peter Dressel (author photo). I sent it to Kinkos and I will get them soon.

At the Japanese BBQ resteraunt earlier this evening, I finished a book I've been reading When Kambia Elaine Flew in from Neptune by Lori Aurelia Williams. A young adult novel but never too young for me. A sensational read. It's always makes me happy to know that there's just one more good piece of literature out there in the world, weighing down shelves.

What's everybody reading right now? I'm looking for my next pick.

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Samantha Raheem has been a member of BackTalk! Poetry Troupe and Black on Black Rhyme since 2000. A graduate of Florida State University, she is currently teaching, writing and performing in Brooklyn, New York.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/samanthaspeaks
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